When Good is Bad and Bad is Good

Many of us have heard the Taoist parable about the Chinese farmer who’s response to everything is, “Good news, bad news, who knows?” When the farmer loses his horse, it seems bad until the horse comes back with another horse which seems good until his son falls off and breaks his leg which seems bad until all the able-bodied young men are required to fight in the emperor’s war which seems good ...

The same is true for Elizabeth in The Paper Bag Princess written by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Michael Martchenko. Princess Elizabeth’s life is good—she’s going to marry Prince Ronald. But then a dragon “smashed her castle, burned all her clothes with his fiery breath and carried off” her beloved betrothed, Prince Ronald. Bad, indeed!

So does Elizabeth dust herself off and update her profile on MajesticMatch.com to search for a replacement royal prince? No way. She dons a paper bag and follows the “trail of burnt forests and horses’ bones” until she finds the dragon. She outsmarts the dragon and rescues Prince Ronald who is completely blind to her her feats of bravery and cunning and can only notice that Elizabeth is, “a mess!” Prince Ronald just sees “bad.”

They don’t get married. Yay!

On her quest, Elizabeth found something no dragon could ever take from her and no prince could ever give her—inner strength. Good news!

But really, none of this is good, bad, right or wrong. It just is. In literature all the “bad” stuff that happens to characters (the plot) is all part of the bigger plan that ends up shaping the character’s arc. In that sense, all the "bad" stuff that happens is "right."

The same is true for the plot that is our life. When we judge something as “bad” we waste a lot of time and energy resisting what is and sometimes miss the opportunities hidden beneath the ash and rubble. We never know where the trail of burnt forests and horses’ bones will take us. So when the dragons in your life and burn down your castle and all you’re left with is a paper bag, don’t judge it as good or bad but wear that paper bag with pride, follow the trail, and see how you can make the best of a burnt situation!

I AM + Swirly Gold = Choosing to Being Who You Really Are

I AM are two of the most powerful words in our language. Choosing an I AM can be a decision that can change your life.


In his highly acclaimed book (and a favorite of all 3 of my children—who rarely agree on anything), The Dot, author Peter H. Reynolds encourages readers to “just make a mark and see where it takes you.” The protagonist, Vashti, has decided she’s not an artist.

Have you ever kept a door closed without trying to open it? Have you ever focused on what you’re NOT instead of discovering your next I AM? Have you ever discovered in I AM only to abandon it because you’re not DOING it enough or HAVING enough success at it?

Everything changes for Vashti when her teacher wisely asks her to do something that’s within her ability (draw a dot and sign it). Upon seeing her dot framed in “swirly gold,” Vashti decides that she “can make a better dot than THAT,” and with that once choice, she chooses to BE an artist. There’s no promise it will work out; she’s just deciding to give it a try. She gets to work painting, experimenting, creating and makes many beautiful dots in a process that form her new I AM—an artist.

The thing is, Vashti didn’t know she was an artist until she gave it a go. While we all might not have wonderful teachers to frame our dots in swirly gold, we can do that for ourselves. When you decide on an I AM (for example, I AM a writer), then you give yourself permission to DO that which you decided you are BEING. Ultimately, you will HAVE the experience of BEING an artist. There is no minimum requirement of DOING to be your I AM—it’s a decision. You can be a writer even if you haven’t written in months or years … or ever! Vashti became an artist when she decided to start painting.

Just as Vashti made a “quite a splash” at the school art show where her many dots were on display, you have to have your own art show. You have to add your own swirly gold. In your mind or in a journal, “display” everything you’ve done in pursuit of your I AM and then really acknowledge everything you’ve done and allow yourself to soak in the joy of it. Maybe not all of it was enjoyable, maybe there were some failures along the way, but just acknowledge what did work. What felt good. What you loved. In your I AM as a writer, your display may include reading a book in your genre, thinking about your manuscript on a walk, and providing a critique to a fellow writer. By taking an inventory (there’s often more there than you think!) and allowing yourself to feel good about your accomplishments, you recognize (and acknowledge) these actions as part of your I AM, and you’re doing the important work of framing your thoughts, feelings and actions in swirly gold.

Vashti the student and artist becomes the teacher by encouraging a fellow student to draw a line and discover his inner I AM. Acknowledging, encouraging, and helping others to be their own I AM is as affirming to your inner I AM as anything else you may be DOING and HAVING in pursuit of your I AM.

How do you know if an interest of yours could be one of your I AMs? You’ll never know unless you try and have the experience of BEING, DOING and HAVING. Once you’ve had the experience, then you’ll know it’s an I AM when your answer to the question why becomes circular because DOING what you love is simply BEING who you are. Why AM I a writer? When you answer, “I write because I AM a writer,” then you’ll know what you’ve decided.

So what magic’s hiding inside your “never-before-used set of watercolors”? You’ll never know unless you open it up, mix, paint, and experiment.

Go ahead … make a splash!

Thought Zombies

Most of what happens in a story is told through the experience of the characters and that experience is conveyed through the thoughts, feelings and actions of the characters. Really, it’s what makes a story interesting because no two people interpret the same information in the same way and it’s the character’s reaction as conveyed through her thoughts, feelings and actions that captures the essence of who a character really is.

Our lives unfold in much the same way. In the delightful picture book, Chicken and Bear, written and illustrated by Jannie Ho, Bear finds Chicken freezing cold in the woods and takes Chicken into Bear’s cabin for lunch. Chicken’s runaway thoughts lead Chicken to believe that Chicken is going to be Bear’s lunch in the form of chicken soup! It’s adorable and hilarious and we can all relate to how our inner Chicken (through thoughts and fears) can lead us to the conclusion (and corresponding action) that we are all going to end up “cooked.” That’s the thoughts, feelings and action cycle in play. Our thoughts affect our feelings which affect our actions which affect our thoughts and on and on and on it goes. The order of these is irrelevant. What’s important is that all three of these work together to form our moment-to-moment experience of living.

Have you ever had a thought that leads to another thought and another until your brain’s been hijacked to the point where you’re convinced that you’ (or someone you love) is going to end up cooked in some metaphorical chicken soup? I call these spiraling thoughts “thought zombies.” When thought zombies start eating my brain and kick “me” out of the pilot’s seat, my cooked as soup thought often involves one of my children being grievously injured. Or dead in a ditch somewhere. Why the ditch? Who knows—I just know that my teenage kid getting into an Uber used to spiral into dead in a ditch in no time.

What about legitimate worries, you say? I say worry is what’s illegitimate. It’s a completely useless emotion. Think about it—what’s worry ever done for you? It’s a feeling which can lead to dead in a ditch in no time. An action can feel completely different depending on the feeling fueling it. When you’re worried you’re going to end up as chicken soup or dead in a ditch, your thoughts take over and imagine all sorts of crazy scenarios and soon you find yourself running through the woods in the cold or cancelling your plans to drive your kid around (to the absolute horror of your teenager).

The good news is that you can kill your thought zombies and end the downward death spiral leading you to the bottom of a ditch (or pot of chicken soup). To kill a thought zombie and exit the death spiral, you simply lead your thoughts to the one place where they cannot survive—the Land of the Now. Thought Zombies aren’t real so therefore they can’t exist in the present moment. They feed off the fears of the past or worries about the future. So take a few deep breaths, bring yourself back into the present, and begin anew.

So when you find yourself wallowing in worry, cycle yourself out of it. How does this work? Bring yourself back into the present moment. Then find a thought, any thought, that feels a bit better then find another and another. (Statistically speaking most teenagers don’t die in Uber accidents. She’s a really responsible kid. She makes good decisions. She has a cell phone to call if anything goes wrong.) Notice whether you’re feeling any better. Take a breath. Allow yourself to “feel” the better feeling. Soak it in. Take some positive action that will allow you to feel better (put on the movie you were going to watch, go out to dinner as planned, pour yourself a glass of wine (you’re not driving!). Thoughts, feelings, actions. Thoughts, feelings, actions.

What’s really fun to do is to spiral up when you’re not under the control of thought zombies. You can improve your emotional state, take purposeful action towards your goals and think thoughts that help you figure out what action to take in pursuit of your goals. I call these “thought angels”—these thoughts lift you up from where you are and deliver you to a better place.

So when you’re writing the story that is your life, pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and actions and how they’re either spiraling you towards the happy ending you’re creating for yourself or spiraling you down towards all the ditches your thought zombies toss in your way. Ditch the zombies and summon the angels.

Remember, you’re the author of your life. Think, feel and be the person you choose to be.