When Good is Bad and Bad is Good

Many of us have heard the Taoist parable about the Chinese farmer who’s response to everything is, “Good news, bad news, who knows?” When the farmer loses his horse, it seems bad until the horse comes back with another horse which seems good until his son falls off and breaks his leg which seems bad until all the able-bodied young men are required to fight in the emperor’s war which seems good ...

The same is true for Elizabeth in The Paper Bag Princess written by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Michael Martchenko. Princess Elizabeth’s life is good—she’s going to marry Prince Ronald. But then a dragon “smashed her castle, burned all her clothes with his fiery breath and carried off” her beloved betrothed, Prince Ronald. Bad, indeed!

So does Elizabeth dust herself off and update her profile on MajesticMatch.com to search for a replacement royal prince? No way. She dons a paper bag and follows the “trail of burnt forests and horses’ bones” until she finds the dragon. She outsmarts the dragon and rescues Prince Ronald who is completely blind to her her feats of bravery and cunning and can only notice that Elizabeth is, “a mess!” Prince Ronald just sees “bad.”

They don’t get married. Yay!

On her quest, Elizabeth found something no dragon could ever take from her and no prince could ever give her—inner strength. Good news!

But really, none of this is good, bad, right or wrong. It just is. In literature all the “bad” stuff that happens to characters (the plot) is all part of the bigger plan that ends up shaping the character’s arc. In that sense, all the "bad" stuff that happens is "right."

The same is true for the plot that is our life. When we judge something as “bad” we waste a lot of time and energy resisting what is and sometimes miss the opportunities hidden beneath the ash and rubble. We never know where the trail of burnt forests and horses’ bones will take us. So when the dragons in your life and burn down your castle and all you’re left with is a paper bag, don’t judge it as good or bad but wear that paper bag with pride, follow the trail, and see how you can make the best of a burnt situation!

I AM + Swirly Gold = Choosing to Being Who You Really Are

I AM are two of the most powerful words in our language. Choosing an I AM can be a decision that can change your life.


In his highly acclaimed book (and a favorite of all 3 of my children—who rarely agree on anything), The Dot, author Peter H. Reynolds encourages readers to “just make a mark and see where it takes you.” The protagonist, Vashti, has decided she’s not an artist.

Have you ever kept a door closed without trying to open it? Have you ever focused on what you’re NOT instead of discovering your next I AM? Have you ever discovered in I AM only to abandon it because you’re not DOING it enough or HAVING enough success at it?

Everything changes for Vashti when her teacher wisely asks her to do something that’s within her ability (draw a dot and sign it). Upon seeing her dot framed in “swirly gold,” Vashti decides that she “can make a better dot than THAT,” and with that once choice, she chooses to BE an artist. There’s no promise it will work out; she’s just deciding to give it a try. She gets to work painting, experimenting, creating and makes many beautiful dots in a process that form her new I AM—an artist.

The thing is, Vashti didn’t know she was an artist until she gave it a go. While we all might not have wonderful teachers to frame our dots in swirly gold, we can do that for ourselves. When you decide on an I AM (for example, I AM a writer), then you give yourself permission to DO that which you decided you are BEING. Ultimately, you will HAVE the experience of BEING an artist. There is no minimum requirement of DOING to be your I AM—it’s a decision. You can be a writer even if you haven’t written in months or years … or ever! Vashti became an artist when she decided to start painting.

Just as Vashti made a “quite a splash” at the school art show where her many dots were on display, you have to have your own art show. You have to add your own swirly gold. In your mind or in a journal, “display” everything you’ve done in pursuit of your I AM and then really acknowledge everything you’ve done and allow yourself to soak in the joy of it. Maybe not all of it was enjoyable, maybe there were some failures along the way, but just acknowledge what did work. What felt good. What you loved. In your I AM as a writer, your display may include reading a book in your genre, thinking about your manuscript on a walk, and providing a critique to a fellow writer. By taking an inventory (there’s often more there than you think!) and allowing yourself to feel good about your accomplishments, you recognize (and acknowledge) these actions as part of your I AM, and you’re doing the important work of framing your thoughts, feelings and actions in swirly gold.

Vashti the student and artist becomes the teacher by encouraging a fellow student to draw a line and discover his inner I AM. Acknowledging, encouraging, and helping others to be their own I AM is as affirming to your inner I AM as anything else you may be DOING and HAVING in pursuit of your I AM.

How do you know if an interest of yours could be one of your I AMs? You’ll never know unless you try and have the experience of BEING, DOING and HAVING. Once you’ve had the experience, then you’ll know it’s an I AM when your answer to the question why becomes circular because DOING what you love is simply BEING who you are. Why AM I a writer? When you answer, “I write because I AM a writer,” then you’ll know what you’ve decided.

So what magic’s hiding inside your “never-before-used set of watercolors”? You’ll never know unless you open it up, mix, paint, and experiment.

Go ahead … make a splash!

Thought Zombies

Most of what happens in a story is told through the experience of the characters and that experience is conveyed through the thoughts, feelings and actions of the characters. Really, it’s what makes a story interesting because no two people interpret the same information in the same way and it’s the character’s reaction as conveyed through her thoughts, feelings and actions that captures the essence of who a character really is.

Our lives unfold in much the same way. In the delightful picture book, Chicken and Bear, written and illustrated by Jannie Ho, Bear finds Chicken freezing cold in the woods and takes Chicken into Bear’s cabin for lunch. Chicken’s runaway thoughts lead Chicken to believe that Chicken is going to be Bear’s lunch in the form of chicken soup! It’s adorable and hilarious and we can all relate to how our inner Chicken (through thoughts and fears) can lead us to the conclusion (and corresponding action) that we are all going to end up “cooked.” That’s the thoughts, feelings and action cycle in play. Our thoughts affect our feelings which affect our actions which affect our thoughts and on and on and on it goes. The order of these is irrelevant. What’s important is that all three of these work together to form our moment-to-moment experience of living.

Have you ever had a thought that leads to another thought and another until your brain’s been hijacked to the point where you’re convinced that you’ (or someone you love) is going to end up cooked in some metaphorical chicken soup? I call these spiraling thoughts “thought zombies.” When thought zombies start eating my brain and kick “me” out of the pilot’s seat, my cooked as soup thought often involves one of my children being grievously injured. Or dead in a ditch somewhere. Why the ditch? Who knows—I just know that my teenage kid getting into an Uber used to spiral into dead in a ditch in no time.

What about legitimate worries, you say? I say worry is what’s illegitimate. It’s a completely useless emotion. Think about it—what’s worry ever done for you? It’s a feeling which can lead to dead in a ditch in no time. An action can feel completely different depending on the feeling fueling it. When you’re worried you’re going to end up as chicken soup or dead in a ditch, your thoughts take over and imagine all sorts of crazy scenarios and soon you find yourself running through the woods in the cold or cancelling your plans to drive your kid around (to the absolute horror of your teenager).

The good news is that you can kill your thought zombies and end the downward death spiral leading you to the bottom of a ditch (or pot of chicken soup). To kill a thought zombie and exit the death spiral, you simply lead your thoughts to the one place where they cannot survive—the Land of the Now. Thought Zombies aren’t real so therefore they can’t exist in the present moment. They feed off the fears of the past or worries about the future. So take a few deep breaths, bring yourself back into the present, and begin anew.

So when you find yourself wallowing in worry, cycle yourself out of it. How does this work? Bring yourself back into the present moment. Then find a thought, any thought, that feels a bit better then find another and another. (Statistically speaking most teenagers don’t die in Uber accidents. She’s a really responsible kid. She makes good decisions. She has a cell phone to call if anything goes wrong.) Notice whether you’re feeling any better. Take a breath. Allow yourself to “feel” the better feeling. Soak it in. Take some positive action that will allow you to feel better (put on the movie you were going to watch, go out to dinner as planned, pour yourself a glass of wine (you’re not driving!). Thoughts, feelings, actions. Thoughts, feelings, actions.

What’s really fun to do is to spiral up when you’re not under the control of thought zombies. You can improve your emotional state, take purposeful action towards your goals and think thoughts that help you figure out what action to take in pursuit of your goals. I call these “thought angels”—these thoughts lift you up from where you are and deliver you to a better place.

So when you’re writing the story that is your life, pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and actions and how they’re either spiraling you towards the happy ending you’re creating for yourself or spiraling you down towards all the ditches your thought zombies toss in your way. Ditch the zombies and summon the angels.

Remember, you’re the author of your life. Think, feel and be the person you choose to be.

Show Don't Tell

Show don’t tell is a phrase familiar to all writers. What does this mean? Telling happens when authors simply tell readers what’s happening instead of inviting them in to experience the story by showing them what happens through the characters’ thoughts, feelings and actions.

Why does that matter?

Because we often tell ourselves all kinds of crap. Sometimes it’s true, often it’s not. Lots and lots of words flow through our brains at any given moment and it often feels out of our control. One way to slow things down and break us free from the swarm of thoughts invading our brains at any given moment in time is to intentionally show ourselves what we’re actually experiencing. We can even choose the experience.

I suggest choosing love.

To show yourself some love, pick an action—something small and simple you can do that you can enjoy in its own right. Then infuse the action with some positive emotions (gratitude is always a great go-to). If thoughts arise (often taking the form of advising you of all the other things you should or could be doing) just send them away and return to the experience of showing yourself kindness and love. Make a cup of delicious tea or coffee and allow yourself to truly be in the moment enjoying your brew. Take a hot bath. Cozy up with a book and some uninterrupted reading time. Do whatever feels like love to you.

Showing yourself a little love makes it harder for those negative thoughts to persist. The world didn’t end because you stepped out of its orbit for ten minutes. You feel better. Then invite your thoughts back into the game. What else might be fun? When can you show yourself some love again? If your thoughts can behave, they can stay. If they start to try and control the reality show that resembles your life again, then they’ll have to have another time out.

Showing invites you to experience your life in the moment it’s actually happening instead of thinking about the past or wondering about the future. Life happens here, now. Not sure? Don’t take my word for it—I’m just telling you. Go show yourself.

Right vs. Wrong

When writing a story, authors very deliberately make lots of “wrong” or “bad” things happen to their main characters and often have their character make lots of horrible decisions along the way. Why? Because we want the reader to feel something—to root for the MC, to want the enemy defeated, to prevail against injustice, etc. The character arc of a story measures how the main character changes throughout the story because of all the things that happen to him (what happens is the plot). When things are “good” or “right,” characters are not very motivated to change (and readers don’t feel much except for maybe boredom). Authors heap all kinds of trouble onto our protagonists but we don’t call all that trouble bad; we call it good writing. Let’s take out the good and call it writing that sells books that people want to read.


Do you need more tension in the story that is your life?


Doubt it. For most of us, we either have tension or we create it. Either way, that tension manifests as negative thoughts—worry about the future, sadness about the past, conjecture about what others may be thinking about us, and on and on and on.


One of the most annoying thing I can say to a coaching client facing hardship is to describe the ordeal as an AFGO—Another F*ing Growth Opportunity. Annoying but true. And transformative. If you think about your role as the author of your life, imagine that some higher version of yourself created this situation as an invitation for you to experience something, to grow, to make a different choice. As yourself, “what growth opportunities are presenting themselves to me as the main character of my own story? How could I approach this situation so that it shows up on my own character arc?” The answers may surprise you. Ironically, once we learn and grow from an experience and accept it for what it is, the AFGO tends to resolve itself or fails to bother us in the same way. Then we move on to a different AFGO… A new chapter or a new volume of our life.


So how can you cause character growth? The first step is to eliminate the words good, bad, right and wrong from your vocabulary as much as possible. What’s considered bad or wrong can’t be that at all because it already is. That’s esoterical and circular but, well, it is what it is. The best choice is to simply accept what is, even embrace it if you can. It’s amazingly powerful how accepting something as is moves you from the realm of reaction to creation. When you can accept something as is, you can think more broadly and more creatively about the situation and, most importantly, you are then in charge of your own experience. You are once again the creator, the author, of your own story.You decide what the experience means for you and, most importantly, how you choose to feel about the experience. Because in life, as in stories, creating a feeling about a set of circumstances is always the end goal.


Think about this: why do you want the new car, boyfriend, girlfriend, house, watch, new job? Because of how you imagine you will feel when you have it.


So let’s cut out the middle man (or woman): own the experience, own the feeling.


Have you known or heard about someone who has recovered from cancer say that getting cancer was the best thing that ever happened to her? It wasn’t the cancer itself that was fantastic but the way that having to face death caused her to feel differently about living life.


So live your life by accept what is, choosing better feelings with more positive thoughts, and take control of the only thing you really can control: your thoughts, feelings and actions. You get to write the story of your life. Make it epic.

Love vs. Fear

In all great stories, the main character makes a series of choices. Those choices can lead to epic failures, fairy tale endings and everything in between. The bottom line: every choice is based on love or fear. When a character choose love, she wins; when she chooses fear, she loses. Of course, what constitutes winning and losing depends on the character and the story. Katniss impetuously volunteering as Tribute in The Hunger Games was a choice made out of love even though she was fearful for her life.

The overriding intention behind that choice was love and the desire to protect her sister. Over the course of a story, main characters who make key decisions based on love and aligned with an overall goal will achieve their desire or sometimes even more than what they dared to wish for. In stories where the main character consistently chooses fear, she will not get what she wished for or, if she does, it does not end up binging her the happiness she thought it would.

There is no hero’s journey without love and fear.

The same is true for the saga that is your life.

 Every single choice we make is based on love or fear. What’s tricky, however, is that it’s not the choice itself that decides whether it’s love or fear, it’s the intention behind it and how it aligns with who you are and the ending you want to write for this chapter or volume of the story that is your life. 

How does this play out? Let’s say Darla wants to become a novelist but she’s busy with work, family, and other commitments. It’s Friday morning and she has a busy weekend planned ahead. Does she take the time she set aside on Saturday morning to go grocery shopping to get some writing done since it’s the only unscheduled window of time in her entire weekend? To determine what choice would be love-based Darla needs to skip ahead to Saturday afternoon and imagine herself having completed each task. How would she feel if she made the choice to get groceries? Darla believes she would feel like she accomplished something that needed doing and tired and a little sad and frustrated that she didn’t get to write; she feels stuck. How would she feel after spending two hours writing? Darla knows she would feel energized and excited and also a little frustrated that she now still has to get groceries. But now she expands her thinking a bit because she really wants to get to that feeling place of energized and excited from writing: she decides to order some groceries online and do a quick shop on her way home from work for a few essentials until the groceries are delivered. Maybe she has to ask for some help getting her kids picked up in order to make the stop for groceries and this triggers a different fear in her—she’s uncomfortable asking for help. Again, she can choose to face this fear with love. Let’s say she chooses love and asks a friend for help. Now she has even more to be grateful for—the friend who helped you out, time to write, and increasing confidence from facing her fears and choosing love. How could choosing love with seemingly small, simple choices change her life over the course of a year, two years, ten years. How would prioritizing writing time affected her thoughts, feelings and actions as a writer? Is she spiraling up or down? Can you feeling the love in Darla’s choices?

Each and every one of our thoughts and actions is a choice. We can choose love or we can choose fear. Loving thoughts include the side effects of acceptance, gratitude, joy, and open up doorways to creativity and inspiration. Fearful thoughts include the side effects of resistance, judgment, shame, blame, and can be fueled by inertia and what has kept us stuck. Which one sounds better to you? 

Choosing love often requires that you make changes and change often brings up … more fear. Fear shows up as an unwanted and uninvited guest but never shows up empty-handed. Every time fear knocks on your door, you have the opportunity to make a choice. Choosing love over fear on a consistent basis leads to your wishes becoming fulfilled. Visit your past to take an inventory of when you’ve chosen love over fear, when you’ve chosen fear over love, and notice how that’s played out in your life. Then travel to the future to imagine how the practice of consistently choosing love will make your dreams a reality you enjoy both today and tomorrow.

Are you willing to volunteer as tribute? Katniss won the Hunger Games (and freedom from oppression for her country) by consistently choosing love over fear.

Love won.

And so can you.

(Re) Write Your Life

When I began writing fiction almost four years ago, I dove into learning how to write for a young adult audience. I read books on writing, I took classes, I joined two critique groups, I attended conferences and, most importantly, I wrote and revised, revised, revised. What became really clear to me was how much story structure resembled life coaching. It's the hero's journey and we're all on it whether we know it or not. The good news? When we recognize our life path as a hero's journey, we can rewrite not just the end but the beginning and middle, too.